Those of us who are concussed, know that our strongest supporters, our spouses and in most cases our families, are just as much affected by our condition as we are. Maybe more so because they are still healthy and ‘normal’.
Because of the price we will have to pay, it is hard for the concussed to ‘take a break’, a vacation. But we know that those supporting us may need one.
After two and a half years of concussion I felt I owed it to my spouse and family to take a vacation.
This is my trip
Dave Breznik, May 2017
Up early
Ride is here
Load up
Sit back for drive
It’s dark
Limo is moving
Sitting sideways
Looking straight through the side window
Feeling the motion through my eyes
Lights of cars
Lights of buildings
It’s different sitting sideways
I close my eyes
At the airport
It’s packed
Follow family
In line
Moving slowly
Everyone is moving
Some fast
Some even faster
Some slower
My eyes take this in
Always movement
Different speeds
Everyone is talking
Insist on handling large suitcase
It’s for support
Smile
Everything is OK
I never realized there was this much noise
I was never aware of this much movement
Follow winding line
Keep moving
Everyone moves
Use luggage as an anchor
Let spouse handle ticket counter
Move to security line
Move, move
Everyone moving
Through security
Find Gate
Wait
Two hours
A lot of people waiting
Moving
Talking
Put on Noise Cancelling earphones
Sunglasses
Keep eyes closed
Wait
Line up to board
Find seat
Close eyes
Sleep fitfully for two hours
Try to read
Can’t concentrate
Keep eyes closed
N/C Earphones on
Plane lands
Move through Airport
Keep moving
Keep moving
Everyone moving
Move to baggage area
Watch cases go around
Around
Follow each case as it moves
Dizzy
Almost fall onto baggage track
Mind is foggy
Dizzy
Move away from track
Spouse spots baggage
Head for customs
Move
Move through line
Clear customs and head for bus
Hot sun
Waiting for people
Waiting
Noise
Bright sun
New surroundings
Twenty minute ride
Arrive at hotel
Wait in line
Sit down
Rest
Let family do check in
Room Keys
Close blinds
Lay down
Rest
Walking on the beach
A pre-vacation dream
Now I am here
On the beach
Enjoying the sun
I walk
The beach is on a slope,
The water is level
Waves rolling up the shore
My mind sees the level water,
My feet are stepping on the sloping shore line
Level…. slope
What my brain is seeing through sight – level water
and feeling – sloped beach
is not making sense
I am walking with a brew
of confusion
balance
and uncertainty
Stumbling on the beach
Falling
I leave the waters edge and sit on a beach chair to enjoy the view.
It’s a nice view.
Sandy shore
Water as far out as one can see
The water slowing rolling in
One wave
Followed by another
A small wave
A large wave
Another wave
Nothing is still
Water is moving
People are throwing beach balls
Water is noisy
People are noisy
The waves still coming
My mind can not work out
what I see
what I feel
the noise
the movement
My balance starts to fail
I put on noise cancelling headphones and lay back on the chair
The sun is warm
The palm tree gives shade
The leaves of the tree are gently swaying in the breeze
Swaying in the breeze
Swaying
I can’t stand up for fear of falling
I try and converse
Words are slurred
Words are mixed
I speak out of context
Headache
Loud loud ringing in ears
I take a Tylenol
I close my eyes
After a while I am OK.
I walk back to our room
Close the blinds
Stay there for a few hours
The resort has a good size man made wading river
Three feet deep
A strong current
Rubber tubes to float in
I enjoy the water
I wade in the river
People going by
Tubes spinning
Trying to balance
with the current
with the moving water
with people
with environment
water temperature
hot sun
waving palm trees
loud talk
kids running on the bank
I stumble
Not sure I can keep walking in the river
I find a tube
I get on it
Nice ride
The tube bounces off the sides
rotates with the current
My mind is spinning
I’m losing control
I get back in the water
I hold the tube using it for balance
That helps
A lot of movement from people
from the water
the background noise of the ocean
the resort
the running water
the people
I leave the river
Can hardly walk straight
Mind is in a state of confusion
Dazed
Overwhelmed
Don’t ask me any questions
Don’t walk in front of me
Let me hold the handrail
I return to our room
I close the blinds
I lay down
Family are going on a catamaran
Would I like to go?
Sure I would
I see the boat moving on the water
Forward
Sideways
Bow up
Stern up
Wind in the sails
Looks like fun
I know I can’t do it
I stay on shore and watch
I see the family enjoying the boat
It dances in the water
The shore is still
Water is active
The boat is moving with the waves
A lot of motion
I turn around
I go to the back of the resort
I sit under a palm tree until they return
The Grandkids want me to spend time with them
Try the beach
Limited time
Try the wading river
Time is cut short
Grampa, come on the tube slide
Tube Slide?
We make memories
What memories do I want to give them
I hesitate
They plead
I go
The slide is great
I go again
Half way up I am struck with a dizzy spell
To continue up or go down
Equal distance
People behind me
I go up
This time the slide gets me
My mind drops to about 20% power
Confusion reigns
I’m standing
I’m moving
I’m looking
I’m seeing
I don’t really see anything
No idea how I am moving
There is a confusing haze over my brain
Can hardly get out of the water
Hang on to the tube
Close my eyes
Rest
Take a step towards the edge
Rest
Hold on to the tube
Rest
Rest
Get out of the area
Rest
Back to the room
Dinner time
All inclusive
Many choices
Many many choices
Too many choices
Where to sit
Don’t say anything
Follow family
Buffet ?
Restaurant?
Let them choose
So many choices
Where?
What?
So fun and so noisy
Insert earplugs
Scan menu
What am I seeing
The menu is clear
In my mind it’s a foggy blur
Mind is confused
Muddled
Too many decisions
Brain needs time
Desperate for some space
Need break
Need rest
Fight urge to get up and leave
Concentrate
It’s their vacation too
Don’t ruin it
Order what sounds familiar
Sit back
Focus on one thing
Act like you hear
Like you are involved
Watch everyone around the table
Happy for them
Let them finish and leave
Linger at the table
Rise and hold on to chair back
Hold on
Use railings
Chairs
Walls
Lean on spouse
Back to room
Lay down
Return home
Glad to be here
Mind is still uncertain
Takes a day
Maybe two
Crash
It comes on hard
Mind spinning
Words slurring
Mixed sentence structure
Bumping into things
Can’t concentrate
Sleep is in shambles
Arguing with spouse
Operating on a hair trigger
Sudden bursts of irritation
Easily provoked
Headaches
Increased level of ringing in my ears
A lot of pacing
Can’t make decisions
Confusion
Fogginess
Balance
It all goes downhill
It stays there
Slow recovery
Back on sleeping pills
Takes three weeks
Semblance of normal returns
No staying power
Easily pushed off the edge
Start again
and Again
It’s been two and a half years
Doctors don’t know what to do
I know
This is the way it will be
The rest of my life
I will appear to improve
But it’s only learning how to cope
Things may eventually get better
But they never will
Never
Ever
Be the same
My life has changed
It was taken from me
Even though I look the same
I have changed
My life was taken from me
There is a new me
I am left to watch
the New Me
Start again
I am a spectator
Watching the new me
With new boundaries
that I am trying to understand
With new limitations
that to my detriment
I often exceed
Setting new goals
Setting the bar much lower
than I had before
I am not used to the New Me
I do not know the new me
But I do not like the new me
I hope I will
I’m sure the day will come
Acceptance is hard
It will not come easy
Or all at once
It will take time
It will come in short steps
Many short steps
Many many short steps
During which there will be many crashes
Many failures
Much backsliding
Give thanks for what we have
I am thankful for a supportive spouse
who knows the old me
and is living with the new me
For family
Who knows the old me
And makes allowances for the new me
For the care providers
Who never knew the old me
but understand what I am trying to cope with
Dave Breznik
Concussed since Oct 2014