gas·light
verb
gerund or present participle: gaslighting
manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning
A letter to my gaslighting ex
Dear Insurance Company,
I didn’t understand our relationship until I got injured and needed you. Yours was the first phone call after my serious car accident and brain injury. How are you? You asked. You were so nice, you cared I thought. I had no idea how I was, but said ‘OK’ (because I had survived). You understood my OK to mean my injury wasn’t so bad (Trivializing). You offered me $3500 for rehab. But when my injuries required thousands, you turned on me, became skeptical, asked me to prove it and wouldn’t give me more (Withholding). Then you suggested I was faking, and somehow trying to get out of working in a job I treasured (countering). This made me question my entire reality. With a brain injury. Was I crazy?
Then you expected me to withstand multiple Independent Medical Exams slow walked over 6 years with assessors you hired. I was to talk about the most traumatic thing in my life with these strangers, and coherently answer questions about every detail of my life with the 1137 pages of my medical records each had. They were paid well to create a report for you, that according to their professional opinion, I was overstating my injuries (discrediting). My own practitioners were biased you said and might skew the information. You didn’t want the truth. You were creating your own by overriding mine. Your diagnosis: I was malingering, exaggerating, overstating, and had ulterior motives. Maybe I was crazy?
At the same time, I was asked to be polite and kind to every assessor. Never be late. Always respond in a measured, respectful way and answer all their questions. If I didn’t the assessment would be cancelled, rescheduled or I would be deemed uncooperative and definitely not get benefits. As in Stockholm syndrome, I still needed you so I towed the line. This produced shame and crippling stress.
One of your “assessors” showed my entire medical file to a stranger, one purposely tried to upset me prior to an assessment, and many used faulty logic (If you think you are fat and ugly then you are, if you think you have a brain injury then you do). I have so many of these stories. Many used questionable or outdated research to back up their claims. When I went to view some of their cited articles, they were merely opinion pieces written in various journals. The shoddy reports created by your assessors were erroneously filled with names other than my own. Laughable. People focused cameras into my home on a regular basis. I was followed. What I needed was a restraining order. My case somehow became a forensic investigation. I was a criminal now having to defend myself. I was crazy.
I was not allowed to tape, or take notes in any assessment. Any concerns I had was my word against the professional, who had the benefit of a package that included all of my medical records, the findings of all assessment before theirs, copious notes from our session, and a pre-prepared bio including pages about their education, research articles and practice (denial). I had my brain injured memory. Guess who professional colleges (or anyone) believed more when I complained, you or me? It was you.
In abusing this power differential to achieve your goal, you contributed to my trauma and PTSD. My goal became to survive your treatment of me rather than improve my health. I am forever changed because of you. Your mental abuse rounded out the physical injuries I sustained in the accident but my lingering resentment is directed at you not the driver. He didn’t mean to hurt me.
Social control by definition is relying on false research to keep the narrative going about those of us who are vulnerable and injured, so we are unable to rise above. A very lucrative racket that keeps your (and the assessors) pockets fat so why would you change? Paying out rightful disability benefits would avoid the mental anguish you inflict on those of us having to fight you for every penny. But that doesn’t drive profits. You are invested, without conscience, in using every shred of information written about my life against me to create your own reality/narrative and build a case for malingering so you don’t have to pay. The very definition of gaslighting.
So, I realize now that in this sociopathic relationship it was not me. It was you. I was never crazy. Can you sue for emotional abuse?
I want you to know I won’t be communicating with you anymore and will continue my self- affirmations, therapy, and flourish in my healthy relationships. I beg that you will recognize the effects of your behaviour but like a true sociopath, you will leave me and continue to the next victim.
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